WHO FEELS THE PAIN?

“If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent."
~Bette Davis

In the course of my work at a private university college, I had on many occasions came across cases of teenage-parent conflict, most often because these teenagers felt their parents were being too strict with them and they therefore either turn even more rebellious or refused to communicate with their parents.

As such, when I came across an article in an online media in support of Tok Guru Nik Aziz’s recent outburst and call for action to settle PAS' internal problems, using caning by parent as an example, I couldn’t resist reproducing it here as it was so reflective of one of the main problems plaguing children-parent relationships. It is not only about caning but also other forms of punishments that parents may impose on their child for any wrongdoings or over-indulgences. Unfortunately, I am unable to credit the author as he did not put down his name. I hope if he happens to come across this, he will not mind that I’ve used part of his article here, but happy that it did at least strike a chord, albeit for a different reason.  I have only extracted relevant parts of his article and made minor changes.


“Who feels the most pain when a parent is forced to cane their own child? The parent? Or the child?

As a parent ourselves, we know pretty well that each stroke of rotan that strikes our child feels like a knife cutting through our heart - just like the saying, ‘Hit on your flesh, pain in my heart.’ Unfortunately, most of the time, we have to accept the fact that our children will not able to understand that the physical pain that they have to endure is way less than the emotional pain we have to suffer for caning them.

But, as a parent, we have to stay strong and do the right thing for our children even though it is painful for us to do so. Punishing or scolding our own child is always for the better good with a hope that our children will learn from their mistakes and excel in their life even when we are no longer around.

We certainly wish that our children will understand our pains and sacrifices later in life; but we really wouldn't mind if they don't, as long as they are on the right path to have an excellent life in the future.

We, as parents, prefer ourselves to be the person punishing our own children rather than seeing our children being punished by others in the society. "

To all the teenagers out there, I hope they will be able to read this and understand ….

"Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy."

~Robert A. Heinlein

30-Oct-2009

TRIBUTE TO A GOOD FRIEND

"And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years."
- Abraham Lincoln

HEAH HOCK HENG

Departed 20-Oct-2009

Like his famous cooking, Heah was a ‘flavourful’ man – flavourful in the sense of his multi-talents, vast knowledge of anything under the sky and life experiences.

As in the title of the Frank Sinatra's song, ‘I Did It My Way’, Heah discarded the conventional, safe, well-paying job for his love of nature and altruism. He lived his life to the fullest, in the way he wanted it and I believe I am saying for many of us when I said we all wished we had that little bit of Heah in us.

Many wonderful adjectives will come to the minds of the very many people he touched in his life but if I have to choose, the first 3 that came to mine when I think of Heah were ‘multi-talented, generous, unpretentious’.

Endau-Rompin was the reason why me (and I believe many others, too) decided to join MNS back in the 1980s. The awareness and wonderful things being discovered of Endau-Rompin made the many passive nature lovers in us sit up and want to experience this wonderful piece of nature. And to me, the name synonymous with Endau then was Heah Hock Heng. He was a big part (if not the only part) of the success story of Endau-Rompin, and of course many other conservation projects which came after it – MNS Centre in Cameron Highlands, Kuala Selangor Nature Park, etc.

It was on some of these projects that I got to know Heah, especially when I was part of the MNS Selangor Branch committee. Although he declined any office, he was very much the man behind our many activities, supporting us. He proved himself to be a man of vision with leadership qualities. Working with him was often a discovery and we, the committee members, were willing to sacrifice our time and effort to work with this man, who had us believed what we were capable of and who made us proud to be part of the whole game plan of what we wanted the Selangor Branch to be back then. The many successful field courses we organised with Heah, and the numerous trips we made to Cameron Highlands under his leadership to do up the place for members to enjoy and the many weekends in KSNP to build the islands and bunds for the birds were part of the legacies of Heah.

Back in the 1980s, for a greenhorn like me, introverted and yet wanting to touch nature, Heah was somebody that I only read about occasionally in the MNS nature magazines and news releases on Endau-Rompin, a well-known figure within the nature-loving fraternity; so when I first came face-to-face with him at an MNS annual BBQ function, I was surprised at the humbleness and friendliness of this man. For somebody who was always surrounded at any MNS functions, he need not have bothered about a greenhorn like me (and many similar others), but he showed his amity by embracing us into the ‘family’ and made us felt at home, and when I became part of his expedition into Rompin-Endau, the feeling was as if ‘I’ve arrived’! And that was what was Heah all about – no airs, and ever generous with his friendship.

He was a man much admired for his DIY skills, his cooking skills, and last but not least his natural leadership and organisational skills. A man who had people from all walks of life listening with respect when he talked about cooking, nature, D-I-Y’s or even tying knots(!), this much-read man could teach you a few new tricks even when you thought you knew it all.

A man well known for his compassion for the plight of the Orang Asli, Heah always had a soft spot especially for those in Endau-Rompin’s Kg. Peta. Even now, as he departed, he and his wife still have the Endau-Rompin Kg. Peta Orang Asli’s welfare in mind. I was touched that they have pledged all contributions to this community and NASAM (National Stroke Association of Malaysia) and this again showed the compassionate man that he was.

To Heah, thank you for all that you had taught us and the many happy occasions and outings we had with you. I salute you for your generosity and friendship, and to his ever-supportive wife, Cheong Ann, take good care of yourself and hope you will carry on the legacy of Heah Hock Heng.

"Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die."
- Amelia Burr

VL

Reptile Group Member (now defunct), active 1988-96

MNS Selangor Branch

BANGKOK, THAILAND – WHAT IMPRESSED ME?

First thing that strikes me about Bangkok? Their public toilets – dry and clean, unlike in Malaysia – always wet, dank, and stinking! This was true even in very busy, high human traffic shopping complexes like MBK and Platinum Mall, etc. And we are not even talking about in a 1st world country like Australia or the U.K. There you can see the cleaners on stand-by ready to mop up any mess. Here? They collect your money and just sit outside at the table and yak-yak-yak away or their only semblance of cleaning is to hold up the hose and splash all over the toilets!

2nd thing – their light rail (BTS) and underground (Metro) transport systems – so efficient, so well connected and convenient, and easy to understand. Over here in Klang Valley? Want to get from PUTRA to STAR or KTM to PUTRA? Get in the rain or sun first la! It was so obvious when they planned the system in Bangkok that the commuters’/tourists’ convenience was the priority. Here in Malaysia? It is the stakeholders first, then only the commuters! You don’t touch my line, I don’t touch your line – no cohesion at all! Again, we are talking about a country where some Malaysians will thumb their nose at and declare we are more 'advanced'!

We were further impressed that in the main busy commercial/shopping areas, built right underneath the LRT line, was the pedestrian walkway (makes economical sense!), so pedestrians have the choice to walk from one station to the other, well-covered, and these connects directly to big shopping malls like CentralWorld, Isetan and Siam Paragon, etc. – away from the rain and hot sun, straight into the air-con comfort of the shopping malls! What bliss!

Where shopping is concerned, Bangkok is still a lady’s paradise. Although not that cheap anymore (maybe cheaper by 10%-20% on average), there are definitely more varieties to choose from compared to here.

What do I think are worth buying? Good quality, locally made, leather products (mainly cow leather) which seasons really well. But sorry, brand-less la.... ;-p

Food? Not that cheap, really, for regular meals, unless you are going for seafood, but you do get quality in return.

Singaporeans seems to be more popular than Malaysians because couple of times I was asked whether I’m Singaporean (and once, whether I'm from China!) but of course I proudly said, ‘no, I’m Malaysian!’

But, all said, when we were finally on the plane and touching down, I turned to my girl and said, ‘everywhere we go, at the end, it’s still feel good to be back in Malaysia soil, hor?’ How ironic, to be so proud and happy about being Malaysian, and yet sadly here we are, still being called ‘pendatangs’.



Pic left: The BTS line connects straight to CentralWorld and into this pedestrian walk on the side of the shopping complex (2nd floor), in one end and out the other, in air-con comfort. You need not even step into any of the shops unless you want to. This walkway runs parallel to, and affords you a view of, the busy Pratunam Street underneath where cheap shopping is the order of the day.












Pic left: Above the clouds - beginning of sunset taken from the plane on the flight home - just beautiful. :-)



October 2009

TO SMACK OR NOT TO SMACK – THAT IS THE QUESTION!

My little Mohican (from 3-10 mths)

My girl had a head-ful of hair when she was born (see my post on my childbirth), with many standing upright. As with Chinese traditional, we shaved her bald during her full moon (one-month old) and I was hopeful that when her hair grew back, they will not stand up again – but they did, just like a Mohawk! Every now and then, we had friends asking whether I gel-ed her hair up to make it look like that! And do you know what’s the Chinese belief of those whose hair stood upright when they were babies? That they were hyper-active (for want of a better word). Some may just say ‘naughty’ behind your back! :p

During my confinement, our waking hours were turned topsy-turvy because she would not sleep, just looking up at you with her big eyes, gurgling away happily and it would be 3am or 5 am in the morning and you were dead tired!

I had to send her to a babysitter when I needed to go back to work after the 2 months confinement. After a couple of weeks, the babysitter said to me, “how come your baby doesn’t like to sleep? I’ve taken care of so many babies and they will sleep during the day, but your girl doesn’t want to sleep and it took so much effort to get her to sleep for just a short while!” :-(

GETTING BABY TO SLEEP!
You would have thought, ‘oh good, afternoon don’t want to sleep, at night sure sleep.’ But it was not so! By the time she was 4 months old and could turn around to see things, it got worse. We had to try all sorts of method to get her to sleep (so that we could get some sleep, too!) – my husband had to resort to swinging her (hard) in his arms, not rocking slowly because she would get restless with the slow motion, or patted her until we were tired and the minute we stopped, she would look up immediately. Finally, we bought a baby swing (‘sarong’) but we could be swinging for a whole hour before she decided to sleep but then she would be awake again after 20 minutes! (We had to swing hard manually although we had an electronic 'sarong' because the electronic one was too slow and she would be wiggling inside the sarong!)

At one point I was so desperate, I wrapped her up tight together with her hands so that she could not move them and then covered her eyes with a handkerchief. I was hoping she would get bored by not being able to see anything and just fall asleep! BUT every time I moved the handkerchief to take a peep to see whether she was asleep – *ding*! her eyes would open!

So that didn’t work out at all. :-(

When I took her to the paediatrician for her regular check-up, I asked the doctor why my baby doesn’t like to sleep and whether she got any remedy/advice. Her reply was, “you should be happy, that means while other babies were sleeping, she is still learning!” *Diong*! (pengsan/faint!) That wasn’t the kind of response I wanted to hear!

Somehow days and months passed, with only few hours of sleep by mum and baby every day, so much so that I was always yawning in office and my office mate would whack me playfully and chide me for being always sleepy!

This continued until she could walk and she would only be sleeping around 1am or 2am (and this was even with barely any afternoon nap at home or at the babysitter's!). Well-meaning friends thought we were pandering to her and suggested we try switching off all the lights and pretend to go to sleep and when she saw nobody was around to play with, she will get bored and go to sleep, too. We tried that, and while we lay down, pretending to sleep, we could see from the corners of our eyes that she was just climbing up and down everywhere, and not even bothered that we were ‘asleep’! So this didn’t work either. :-(

For her afternoon naps, we would still put her in the 'sarong' even when she was around 2 years old as that was the only way to get her sleep at least a little bit (same at the babysitter’s place). There were many times when I had to swing and swing and swing and she still wouldn’t sleep. I would get so upset and stressed that I would smack her backside hard and scolded "go to sleep ah, naughty girl, sleep!" and then she would start wailing, got tired and then fell off to sleep. Yes! This worked! And somehow this became somewhat of a ‘routine’ when she was being especially difficult! :p

One afternoon, when my girl was around 2½ years old, I was doing some reading and she was playing with her Barbie doll set which comes with a baby doll 'sarong’. I heard her saying something so I turned to her and when I saw what I saw, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry! Because my girl was putting her ‘baby’ to sleep in the baby 'sarong', and she was going like: (piak! piak!)* "sleep ah, you naughty girl, sleep!"(piak! piak!)* And she was only 2½ years old! At that moment, I was thinking, ‘oh God, what kind of an impression have I given my girl?’ I felt like such a lousy mother and from then on, stopped doing what I did to make her sleep. I couldn’t remember now what other ‘drastic’ actions I had to take to get her to sleep after that because this imitation from her made such an impression on me that it obscured all others! But I do know it had always been a constant battle to get her to sleep and there were still nights of crying before she finally decided to hit the pillow.

And one thing remained true until today - I still need to use different variations of ‘threats’ or ‘carrots’ to get her to sleep and she’s 12 years old now!

Do you believe this Chinese belief?

( *piak! was the sound of her smacking the doll’s backside)

PLAYING DRESS-UP (OR DOWN!) AT WORK!

To release the stress of work from Mon-Thu, our department decided to spice up our work week by having Theme Days every Friday, spearheaded by our jolly colleague, Cindy. With themes like ‘Professional’, ‘Tie Day’, ‘Raya Best’ and ‘Black and White’, etc. it makes Friday work days something to look forward to while other people are looking forward to finishing off the week! Before the start of the work day, it will be the time for all to bond and act and tease each other silly during the photography session before the serious work began (and it was a good way to ensure all come to work on time as everyone wants to be in the pictures!) :D

I was glad to be part of the latest Theme Day last week, which was ‘Headgear and Sneakers’, when the theme day was extended to Sat while we had our departmental meeting. All types of hats, berets, bandanas and headscarves were shown off although not all came with sneakers (doesn’t match my mademoiselle hat la!) ;-). It was a great way to end the week and I look forward to more theme days to come – ‘Purple & Black’, ‘Deepavali Special’, ‘Floral Motifs’, etc. - and more pretty pictures to add to here!

The whole team (with me and my headscarf).

The Black & Pink Panthers?

29-09-2009

MY NEW FAVOURITE WATERFALL - PRISTINE, PEACEFUL, PERFECT!

‘Wonderfully surprised’ was putting it mildly how we felt when we found this beautiful calendar-worthy piece of Mother Nature, right in the middle of one of the primary forests of Terengganu, fringed on one side by oil palm estates. The series of waterfalls and their pools that greeted us one after another, each more beautiful than the previous, were enough to make the leech bites during the trek worthwhile. And with this, I’ve found a new favourite waterfall and campsite - more than enough to rival Berkelah Waterfalls! Pristine, crystal-clear water and river rich with water life - different species of fishes, river terrapins, prawns and even tiny river eels! The water was cleaner than our tap water back home!

Last weekend, 19 September 2009, my friends and my family re-visited a campsite/river in one of the primary forests of Terengganu. However, because of a vow of silence among us, I am not allowed to mention the whereabouts of this place in order to avoid it being ‘invaded’ by humans, and its pristine beauty forever lost. This was something we’ve seen often enough through our many years of jungle trekking, the beauty of a place lost forever to those who came in hordes and left just as much rubbish in their wake after they have enjoyed themselves just because it is not in their backyard. So we are going to be selfish about this place.

The crystal-clear river and clean campsite told us that this place was not often visited, and more likely by the locals, maybe because of its obscure location with a single unimpressive signage and an equally unimpressive entrance through oil palm estates (thank goodness!). :-) We were there last year but we did not go beyond the first two waterfalls as these falls were great enough to keep us and the children happy. However, this time we decided we will venture further as we guessed there may be more waterfalls upstream. So while the rest stayed back at the first pool with the children to play, a few of us trekked upstream and it was a decision we definitely didn't live to regret.

The only 'downside' to this adventure - and that's just because I am paranoid about leeches(!) - was the number of leech bites I 'earned' along the way, with one right smack inside my navel which gave me a real fright when I saw my blood coming out! (Alas, I discovered it too late and the leech had had its fill and dropped off so I didn't get my revenge! :-( ) And some of them were so tiny, you could have mistaken them for bits of dirt that got stuck on your feet unless you were looking very hard, like me! :-) And they are itching like nobody’s business right now even as I typed!

Suffice to say this is one of the most beautiful and cleanest rivers in West Malaysia that we've came across so far through our years of trekking and waterfalls hunting. (However, others even more fortunate or more frequent trekkers than us may beg to defer.) Its series of waterfalls were marvellous, with the last two standing out among the rest. Let me just call them the blue pool and the two-toned mother-daughter twin falls. :-) Of course my friends argued why not father-son, mother-son or even father-daughter, but the power’s with me since I’m doing the writing and I’ve only got a daughter! :-)

Mere words are not enough to describe, so I’ll let the pictures be the storyteller. It was just so great to find so many beautiful waterfalls all in one place! Notice the crystal-clear water in all the pools!



Crystal-clear water in the river next to our campsite. This river looked shallow because of its clearness but is actually quite deep in some parts.

The size of this river belies what awaits upstream....

















Having great fun at the first pool!














Balancing act ...
















2nd waterfall. This is where we stopped during our first visit. Plenty of prawns and fishes we could find here!













The main waterfall, so tall and long, I couldn't take a full picture of it. We had to trek alongside the upper section of this waterfall in order to get to the next fall.



















The upper section of the main waterfall, another pool of its own.














Along the way to the next waterfall. Crystal-clear water everywhere we looked.














Another fall, another pool ... After this, there were a few more that we did not take pictures of because they were rather small.



















The blue pool - my personal favourite!! The bluish hue of this big(!) pool was just fantastic! This pool is at least 10 feet deep but so clear you can see right to the bottom of its sandy bed!














Another personal favourite! Mother-daughter twin falls! Notice the two-colour tone: green, where the pool forms at the bottom of the falls and brown in the foreground, caused by the effect of the stones.
















Close-up view of the twin falls.

















22-09-2009

REMEMBERING MY DEAREST 'LOU MA JI' - THANK YOU, ALL

When I decided to put up my memorial on my Mum on the anniversary of her passing, my only thought was that I wanted the ‘world’ to know what a great mother I had, something I’ve never made known to her which I’ve regretted very much. But after I’ve posted it, I was hesitant in letting my siblings know as I was not sure what their response would be when they found out. Coming from a family that’s not very demonstrative of our caring for each other, would they be unhappy that I went ‘public’ about Mum, or would they brush me off as being too mushy? However, the responses that I got when I finally told them were totally unexpected. They were so happy and positive about it and making sure all my siblings and nieces and nephews read it, too. Some of them posted their own memories. Same as me, they also wanted everybody to know and to share what a special and jovial mother/grandmother our Mum was. I was so happy and glad I did it after all!

For the past year since she left us, every time I looked at Mum’s picture, there would be that ache in my heart and that feeling of regret and sadness that just wouldn’t go away. Maybe it was because I still felt we haven’t done enough, that we didn’t handle her passing well, being torn apart with our own belief on how Mum should be treated and that left an unspoken mark on our relationship, something which would have made Mum very sad as she loved her children very much and wouldn’t want to see them fighting because of her.

However, after posting my memorial and getting all these positive responses and sharing with my sisters, I can now look at my Mum’s picture and be filled with happiness, knowing for sure that my Mum was indeed much loved and revered by all of us and each of us was just doing what we thought was best for her. This love for our Mum will always be the common bond that keeps us together. And I could feel now that Mum is at peace. So the memorial, and its consequent responses, was like some kind of ‘closure’ for me.

To all my siblings and my brother-in-law who gave me all the positive responses, and nieces and nephews who posted comments on my memorial, thank you.

Thank you for helping me to let go.




(Pic: Part of the clan who celebrated Mum's birthday in 2007, the year before she left us.)